I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

As I commute through everyday life, I often think to myself, is this the life that I really want? With the stress of school work and projects coming in, I sometimes question the existence and purposes of certain things. It does not help when you have lousy lecturers and you do not think you are learning anything from the lecture. It’s kind of related to ‘the box’ which I mentioned before. What if I am studying in some other place? What will it be like? Will I be changed from a geek to an artsy-fatsy person? Will I dress or look differently? Will my life be different?

Even joining CCAs now seem to be a burden than a joy to me. It used to be something fun which I enjoy doing, otherwise I would not have joined in the first place. However it seemed like things have changed over the months. The amount of planning and admin work is hindering my enjoyment. Maybe because I have done too much of these and they seemed so mundane. Or perhaps it I because the CCA(s) that I joined have a lack of sense of belonging. Not that they don’t have, just not enough I guess. Relationships and friendships are mostly subtle, except for a select few. By a sense of belonging I mean that we do things together – eating, celebrating, studying, relaxing. There are some components, but lack of others, which I have to look for in other groups of friends. (Or maybe some of us have different groups of friends for different purposes, that I’m not sure…) I would not say my social life is very satisfying, although it may seem happening.

I treasure it when good friends do things out of randomness and without much hesitation. Like how I went to play pool with a friend today. Like how a few of us decide to wear a common theme every Thursday (oops I forgot about it last week), how we decide to go for a movie within 5 minutes, how we play Left 4 Dead for 2-4 hours spontaneously, how we decide to go somewhere for a meal. These are the random moments which makes friendships special. While planned outings have their place in keeping in connect with people, the number of random outings shows the degree of spontaneousity and comfort level in your friendships. I think that is quite important. It is definitely more than a facebook wall or MSN message.

Sometimes, it is lonely when I have to do things alone, when I have to stay in school late alone, when I have to eat dinner alone, when I study alone. Although eating alone is a pretty common thing for me nowadays, I still prefer to do it with other people. I have many friends, but I feel lonely. I call it the “lonely crowd syndrome”. Is it because I have too many groups of friends? Or too few good friends who will be with me through thick and thin? Or is it because most people around my age have boy/girlfriends and they spend less time with their normal friends?

I still haven’t found what I am looking for.

The only thing I can look forward to now is going overseas and experience a different kind of life, and to look for what I’m looking for.